Revosolutions

It's buter's fault. I didn't want to, I really didn't. Yes, that's right: the standard first post of the year, where after telling you about what they did, the author goes onto list all their resolutions for the coming year. Well, the ones that made ... and then broke within the first 24 hours. My favourites are the ones who decide to give up drinking. Ha!

I don't intend to list any resolutions cause a) that's hell boring (ok, buter managed to get away with doing it somewhere between being informative and being open, with naught of the didactic crap that seems to infect the majority of the rest of the population) and b) I hate the feeling that I get when I do a Panorama-style Year in Review and realise that I aimed waaaay too high last time (much better than the alternative "I'm crap" explanation).

Unfortunately, it's true - it's so easy to stand at 11:59pm 31st Dec (or lurch there, if you've already had a champers or five) and, as you gaze soggily at the horizon, resolve that all the bad things you did will never, never happen again in the oncoming 365.25 days. However, what's the fun in that? Really? Why set ourselves these high tasks and then feel crap the same time next year because we've failed on most of them.

For me, it's gotten to the point where I generally don't bother with resolutions, and if I do, I take the Anglican variety (" be good ... generally") over the Catholic type ("don't pick your nose because you will go straight to Hell!"). So this year (well, right now actually), I decided to help me help myself by writing New Years Resolutions that are so easy to keep that come 31st Dec, I'll be hanging at the front of the queue with my scorecard of 100%. Yes, that's right: aim low. That way, when I pass, I get the added bonus that if I fail on any of them, I must be too stupid to be part of the human race and will promptly gather my floaties about my personnage and remove myself from the gene pool. If I'm not already dead, that is. Here we go:

Jarv's Fail-Safe New Years Resolutions
(2007 edition)

1. Try to breathe more, using my lungs.
   
2. Don't eat potassium. Except as a seasoning.
   
3. Finally believe by the end of the year that the internet isn't really watching me ... it just sometimes feels that way.
   
4. Don't have kids, and don't give them stupid names.
   
5. Leave the house at times that include prime, as well as composite, numbers.
6. Stop referring to people as 'llamas'. Especially in public.
7. Rethink habit of constantly referring to self in third person.
8. Ditto for habit of listing things in the imperative.
   
9. Stop testing and accept theory that man is actually aquatic animal is not correct, technically at any rate.
   
10. Start considering that Kansas School Board and rest of southern US states may have a point in their embracing of Intelligent Design as a module that should be considered in school science classes. Those silly evolutionists!
11. Find and found own kingdom.
    

Submissions welcome!